


stomach aches

by brookethenerd



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:59:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8778691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookethenerd/pseuds/brookethenerd
Summary: Philip and Lukas parted ways 3 years ago. When Philip comes back to Tivoli for the summer, the last person he expects to see is Lukas. In a small town, it’s hard to avoid people, and it’s even harder to avoid the memories belonging to them.





	1. it takes me back to when we started

Philip Shea occasionally finds himself missing Tivoli. It’s been over three years since he graduated; since he left the small town and traded it for a college in a big city.

He loves New York City. He loves his dorm. He loves his classes. He loves the bustling city. He loves the friends he’s made.

But that doesn’t mean he’s forgotten about the half a year he spent in that little town. He still sees the cabin in his nightmares. He still sees Kane leaning down, seconds away from killing him. He still hears the crack of the frying pan.

He still remembers what happened next.

And, of course, he remembers Lukas.

And though he hates to admit it, when he misses Tivoli, he misses Lukas, too.

But that part of his life ended three years ago, on the banks of the lake Lukas jumped unsuccessfully months before. It ended with them walking away, and never turning back.

He isn’t there for Lukas, though. He’s there for Helen and Gabe, and to meet the 16 year old girl they’ve just adopted, similar to the way they adopted Philip.

He knocks on the door, setting his bag down, and the first thing he hears is the barking of a dog. He smiles, thinking back to the multiple videos and photos he’s gotten over the past few months since they got the thing.

The door opens, and out runs a gray pit bull, barreling into him. She jumps up onto his chest, attacking him with her tongue.

“You must be Jubilee.” He says, rubbing her head, laughing.

“Ju! Come on!” Says a girl. She runs out, pulling Jubilee off of him. She stands up, and smiles, hands on her hips. She has a thick knot of red hair piled atop her head, and is outfitted in running shorts and a t shirt. She has a long nose, and more freckles than Philip can count. She seems to fit in perfectly on this porch, like she’s lived there forever. If he didn’t know better, he’d assume she was Helen and Gabe’s. He would never guess that she spent years bouncing between foster homes, having been left in a supermarket by her parents at the age of 2.

“Philip, I assume?” She asks, her voice thick with a southern accent.

“You’re Jean?”

“Yep! Nice to actually meet you.” She says, sticking her hand out. Philip shakes it, and she pulls her hand away, dropping it to Jubilee’s head.

“Philip? God, you’re getting so tall.” Gabe says, coming out the door, wrapping Philip in a hug.

“You know I haven’t grown an inch in years.” Philip says, smiling, pulling away. Gabe shrugs, and leans against the railing of the porch.

“I know. We can still hope you’ll outgrow me one day.” He says. Jean moves forward, and grabs Philip’s suitcase, picking it up.

“That’s heavy, sorry.” Philip says. Jean grins, and lifts it higher.

“She’s been kicking my ass out on the lake. She’s stronger than I am.”

“Pretty sure even Philip is stronger than you, Gabe.” Helen says, stepping out onto the porch. Philip smiles, and gives her a hug. She pulls back, and rubs his head, mussing up his hair.

“Figured we’d go into town and eat.”

“Helen tried to cook.” Jean says, before disappearing through the door with Philip’s bag. Gabe smiles, and looks down.

“Key word: tried.” He says

“Well, neither of you are getting pancakes in the morning!” Helen exclaims.

“Oh, we’re devastated.” Gabe says. Helen swats at him, and they turn to go inside, Philip behind them. They head into the kitchen, and Jean appears from the bottom bedroom. Jubilee trails after her, and nibbles happily at Philip’s fingers as he passes, having taken to Philip already.

“You wanna go get ready to go? And we’ll head out in five minutes?” Helen says. Philip nods, and ducks down, dropping a kiss on Jubilee’s head, before heading back to the first bedroom he slept in here, making his way over to the bed and dropping down onto it. He lays back, hands folded over his stomach.

The moment the smell filters into his nose he’s hit with a flood of memories. Curling up against Lukas, telling him about the sink. Stretching up to press a kiss to Lukas’ jaw, in an effort to make him feel better. It makes his stomach hurt, and he’s reminded of the way he used to tease Lukas about that very thing. The way stomach aches and love were to be connected from that point, between the two.

He’s been back to Tivoli before. And usually, he’s able to avoid the painful reminders of the days he spent with Lukas. But, this time, it seems the ghost of the boys they used to be are clinging to him.

There’s a soft knock on the door, and Philip sits up, grateful to be pulled off of memory lane. Jean leans in the doorway, looking thoughtfully around the room.

“You okay?” She asks. He hopes she’s just asking to be polite, and not because his face gave something away.

“Yeah. I’m good. Just tired.” He says. She arches a brow, but doesn’t press any further.

“Gabe wanted to know if you want to drive. Helen is hoping the answer is no.” She says.

“You should have seen her teaching me to drive.” Philip says, lips curling up slightly. Jean smiles, and he notices that when she does so, the whole room lights up around her. Still,there’s something sad in her eyes, something he knows was mirrored in his own eyes for a long time.

He doesn’t know Jean. But he’s glad she found Gabe and Helen. He wishes he’d found them sooner. Maybe things would have been different.

His story has had a mediocre ending so far. But maybe a sooner start could have led to a happier one.

“Gabe is teaching me. But I’ve heard horror stories.”

“There were quite a few.” Philip says. Her smile widens. Helen calls down the hall, telling them she’s getting in the car, and if they don’t hurry up neither of them gets to drive. They head out onto the porch, and Philip wrangles the keys from a pursed-lipped Helen, climbing into the driver’s seat.

“The diner, right?” Philip asks, pulling away from the house. Helen nods from beside him, and leans back into the seat. He can see her glancing over her shoulder when Philip changes lanes, and she grips the door a bit too tightly, but she doesn’t make any comments about his driving, which makes him smile.

He pulls into the lot of the diner, and sees a poster on the glass window as he climbs out.

“Motocross Tournament?” He asks as the others join him, walking inside.

Helen and Gabe exchange a look.

“Yeah. It lasts through the end of the summer.”

Philip can tell there’s something they’re not saying, but Philip knows immediately what it is. Lukas. 

He tells himself he doesn’t care. It was three years ago. It was mutual. They both walked away from each other. He has no reason to feel weird; there’s no reason for his chest to tighten as he heads into the diner.

He does his best to push the thought out of his head as they sit down at the counter, and quickly falls into a conversation about school, and how he’s doing. They talk about his assignments, and he tells them about the summer project he was given: to tell a love story through photographs.

“You could use Jubilee and Gabe as your subjects. The two are obsessed with each other.” Jean teases.

“They take hour long walks.” Helen says.

“She needs the exercise!” Gabe protests.

“When there are thunderstorms, and she’s too scared to sleep with Jean, ill find the two of them curled up on the couch in the morning.” Helen says.

“She’s my baby.” Gabe says.

“Aren’t _we_ your babies?” Jean asks, arching a brow. Helen laughs, and Gabe shakes his head.

“Jubilee doesn’t back talk.”

“I never back talk.” Jean says.

“You’re back talking right now.”

“I am not. Philip, am I back talking?” Jean asks, looking to Philip for help. He shrugs, smiling slyly.

“I’m neutral.”

“You’re supposed to pick the kid. We’re a team.” Jean says pointedly.

“He isn’t a kid anymore.” Helen says.

“He’s like 20.” She says.

“Fine. Jean is right.” Philip says. Jean beams at him, and takes a sip out of her drink, which the waitress just set in front of her; he’s guessing Jean frequents the place.

“Thank you, Philip.” She says. Philip is about to tell her it’s no problem, when something out the window catches his attention. He looks outside, and sees a crop of blonde hair that is somehow still so familiar to him. He feels lightheaded as he watches Lukas walks past the diner, a girl walking beside him, laughing at something he said. He turns away from the window, and listens as Helen, Gabe, and Jean talk, making comments when necessary.

The Lukas that walked by the diner isn’t quite the Lukas he knew. This Lukas is older. More mature. He carries himself differently; he doesn’t quite know what it is, but he thinks it has to do with the way he sees himself.

He knows Lukas came out. And after all this time, he assumes it isn’t a big deal anymore. Maybe Lukas has finally come to terms with that part of himself, outside of the time he spent with Philip. Maybe now he’s able to say the word out loud.

That makes Philip happy. But it also makes him sad, because the Lukas he loved has grown up. And, Philip guesses, he’s grown up too. 


	2. everything comes back to you

When Philip was young, he often thought about being in love. His mother told him stories about her first love and the way it destroyed her, in the best way possible. When he asked how that was possible, she said that he would know once he’d been there. That there is no way to describe the pure happiness and sadness that comes from loving someone. The way it makes you bigger. 

He didn’t understand exactly what she meant until he met Lukas. And god, she was right, because no one destroyed him the way Lukas Waldenbeck did. But no one made him as whole, either.

Leaving Lukas was one of the hardest things Philip had to do, simply because he loved him so much. It’s because he loved him that he left. Philip could have tried and kept it going; Lukas probably would have agreed.

But when it came down to it, they let the other walk away. 

That’s something he has had to let go of.

Philip is tugged from his thoughts when Jean changes the music station, a pop song spewing from the car's speakers.

He pulls into the dirt lot of the grocery store, and hops out, a cloud of dust rising to meet him where his feet smacked the ground. Jean gets out, too, and comes around to walk with him.

He pulls the crumpled grocery list out of his pocket, and grabs a cart, entering the dimly lit store. It’s as empty as he expected, seeing as it’s a Friday night, and the few people that venture outside after 5 pm are likely already halfway intoxicated at someone’s house. The only other people he sees as he heads into the first aisle are a few workers and an old lady with a tiny basket full to the brim with fruit, who smiles at him as he walks past her. He pushes his cart to the side of the aisle, and eyeballs the box of cereal sitting on the top shelf. Jean requested Captain Crunch, and told him something along the lines of “you have never known anger like you will if you don’t get me that cereal.” She went off in search of some deli meat, and she’s shorter than he is, so it’s not like she’ll be able to help when she gets back, anyway.

Philip really doesn’t want to leave without Jean’s cereal. He gets the feeling he, Gabe, and Helen will suffer if he does. 

He contemplates climbing the shelves, mentally calculating his chances of falling and breaking something. He tests the first shelf with his foot, and when it bends beneath him, he pulls his foot away, frowning.

He’s about to give up when a tan arm snakes above him and grabs the box of cereal. They hand it to him, and he takes it, turning to face them.

“Thank you-“ He says, lifting his eyes.

He finds himself looking into a pair of blue eyes.

Lukas Waldenbeck, an older version, gives him a small smile.

“Philip?” He asks, voice deeper than Philip remembers.

Philip is so shocked he can barely keep his mouth closed.

“Lukas? What-what are you doing here?” He asks. Lukas glances around, brows arching.

“Grocery shopping?” Lukas says. Philip presses his lips together, internally scolding himself.

“Right.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you were in the city?” Lukas asks.

“Uh-I’m here to see Helen and Gabe.”

“When’d you get here?”

“Last night.”

“And they’ve already got you doing grocery runs?” Lukas says, an amused smile tugging on his lips. Philip laughs nervously, and runs a hand over the back of his neck, tilting his head.

“I’m the driver, actually.” Philip says.

With perfect timing, Jean runs up, carrying her weight in packets of turkey and ham. She drops them into the cart with a sigh, and comes to stand beside Philip, scanning Lukas up and down.

“Hi. I’m Jean.” She says, holding out a hand. Lukas shakes her hand, glancing at Philip, that same easy smile on his face.

“Lukas.”

“Lukas? _The_ Lukas?” Jean asks, eyes going wide.

“You’ve heard of me?” Lukas asks, brows arching.

“Oh, yeah. Plus, there’s an old shoebox in Philip’s closets with keepsakes, and stuff. There’s polaroids in there of you.” She says.

Philip’s cheeks flame, and he grabs onto Jean, and pulls her back to the cart.

“Really?” Lukas asks, with a look Philip can’t place. It isn’t bad, necessarily, but it makes him feel uneasy.

Jean nods excitedly.

"It's old stuff he left when he went to college." She says.

“We have to go. Sorry.” Philip interrupts.

“We should catch up. Helen and Gabe still in the same house?” Lukas asks. Philip nods.

“Bye!” Jean says, waving. Philip grabs the cart, and nudges Jean with it. She finally gets the hint, and turns around, waltzing away, Philip behind her.

She doesn’t say anything until they get to the car. He’s surprised she makes it that long. She tucks the loose strands of flaming hair behind her ears, and looks over at him as he pulls out of the lot.

“Why were you so weird in there?” Jean asks.

Something Philip is learning about Jean: she prefers to jump right into the water. Wading in isn’t an option.

“I wasn’t weird.”

“You looked like you’d seen a ghost.”

Philip’s brows furrow. To him, Lukas is a ghost. A ghost that’s been chasing him for three years.

“I was just surprised.” He says.

Jean chews on that for a moment, sitting back in her seat, crossing her arms.

“Can I ask you something?” She says after a moment.

“Sure.”

“Do you still love him?”

Philip nearly chokes.

“What?”

“Do you? Still love Lukas?”

Philip’s lips part, and he holds on tighter to the steering wheel. He doesn’t like to think about Lukas. It makes his chest ache.

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He doesn’t know why he still cares about Lukas the way he does. In this painful, aching, bloody way. He doesn’t know if it’s because of what they went through, the things they saw, or simply because of who they are.

He just knows that his heart can’t quite seem to let go of him.

“I don’t know.” Philip says.

For a few minutes, Jean doesn’t speak. Philip cant figure out what’s going on in her head. But the energetic feeling she gave off when she first got into the car has gone away, and now, the air is stagnant, and Jean is awfully quiet.

“Is it worth it?”

“Is what worth it?” Philip asks, looking over at her. Jean frowns, looking down at her lap.

“Loving someone. Is it worth it?”

Philip doesn’t hesitate to say yes.

Because the boy may lose the boy, but at least he had the chance to be with him. That’s what really matters in the end.

_Do you still love him?_

Lukas’ mouth pressing kisses to his hair, to that spot behind his ear, to his collarbone, to his bare shoulders.

Lukas telling him he loves him in the only way he knew how.

The two of them, laughing so hard their stomachs hurt, grinning so wide they couldn’t even kiss each other.

His head on Lukas’ shoulder. Lukas’ hands gripping his waist.

_Do you still love him?_

Yes. The answer is always yes.


	3. nothing else hurts like you do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had a third chapter up for like a day, but i decided i really really didnt like it, and deleted it. am i allowed to do that?? probably not but i did it anyway. 
> 
> *also, im adjusting the status of (FINALE SPOILER) Anne to what happened in the finale, since i want this to follow the canon storyline.
> 
> so in summary: the flashback chapter didnt happen, and anne shea died, as she did in the show

“Pass it over.” Philip says, holding out a hand. Lukas lets out a small chuckle, and hands Philip the bottle. Philip takes a swig, wincing, and sets it between them. They’re sitting on the edge of the dock behind Helen and Gabe’s house, the sun dipping beneath the water.

At first, talking to Lukas after how long it’s been was weird. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how he was supposed to say it. Should he ask about Bo? Or the turkeys? If he’s still having nightmares?

That’s the thing about losing someone. You have all these things in your head that you aren’t supposed to know. What was once whispered across pillows is now expected to go away.

But it doesn’t go away, so you pretend you don’t know their deepest fears, their deepest hopes; you have to become strangers.

Still, it doesn’t take long for them to fall back into a familiar rhythm. Philip tells Lukas about school; he’s majoring in social work, and minoring in photography. He tells Lukas how he hopes to work in the city with kids like himself one day, maybe help the ones he can.

And Lukas tells him about the motocross tournament, the competitions he goes to around the country. He tells him about the online classes he’s taking behind his father’s back, just in case motocross doesn’t continue to work out.

They talk about how they’ve been, and tell funny stories, and laugh, but they don’t talk about the past. Not at first.

Only once they’ve finished off the majority of the bottle does Lukas say, “It was really hard without you here.”

“For me too.”

“You were right, you know.”

“About what?”

“About me being the only one who cared.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve never apologized.”

“Apologized?”

“It’s still-it’s still hard for me to be okay with who I am. But no matter how un-okay I was about it then, you didn’t deserve it. You never deserved any of it.”

“It’s okay, Lukas.”

“It’s not.”

Philip looks over at him, inspecting the curve of his lips, the set of his jaw. Some of his face still has that boyish look to it.

“You did make up for it, if you remember.”

“I shouldn’t have had to make it up.”

“I don’t remember you being a sad drunk.” Philip says. Lukas crinkles his nose, and looks over at him.

“First of all, I’m not drunk.”

“You always were a lightweight.”

“You drank most of this bottle.”

“Oh, did I?” Philip asks, arching his brows. Lukas makes a face, and elbows Philip in the side. He takes the bottle, and takes a long swig. He hands it back, empty, to Philip, who sets it behind him.

“What exactly were you trying to prove there?”

“Nothing. Just wanted to get some before you came in and drank the rest.”

“We had the same amount.”

“Nope.”

“Yes.”

“You, Philip Shea, are a liar.”

Philip’s lips curl up in a mischevious grin, and he looks over at Lukas, face contorting.

“I’m the liar.”

“Yes.”

“I need the money for Rose! I got her pregnant!” He says in a mocking voice. Lukas shakes his head, a playful smile on his lips.

“It’s over, dude.”

“What are you gonna do?”

Lukas hesitates, deciding on Philip’s punishment.

But Philip strikes first. He reaches out, and shoves Lukas. Lukas tips off the deck and lands in the water with a big splash. He comes up a moment later spewing water, mouth forming an O.

“Aren’t you supposed to be an adult?” He yells, thrusting an arm out and grabbing Philip’s ankle. Philip tries to pull his leg free, but Lukas tugs, and in an instant Philip is in the water, clawing his way back to the surface. He breaks through, and finds Lukas cackling a few feet away, treading water.

“You’re still an asshole.”

“You pushed me in!”

“And you pulled me in!”

Lukas splashes at Philip, and ducks under the water when Philip tries to retaliate. They keep this up for a long time, diving beneath the water, tugging on each other’s ankles, splashing, acting like children again.

And it’s fun. Philip spends most of his time nowadays studying or working. He doesn’t get to have fun like this anymore. Not in this innocent, childish way. It’s the first time in a long time that he doesn’t feel like he has to pretend to be an adult; he doesn’t realize how long until he and Luke have dragged themselves out of the water and are laying on their backs on the deck, the stars shining above them.

“Can I ask you something?” Philip asks in a low voice, the darkness making the quiet seem necessary.

“You just did.”

Philip groans, and lightly shoves Lukas, who just laughs.

“I’m serious.”

“Fine, fine.”

Philip pauses, swallowing.

“Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“Kissing me. That first time.”

Lukas pauses, the joking tone of before having disappeared in a split second.

“No.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I never lie to you. Never lied to you.” Lukas says, amending the tense of the word. The fact that he has to makes Philip’s heart stop.

“We’d have ended up there anyways. If it wasn’t in the cabin, it would have been somewhere else.” Lukas continues.

“Or maybe you’d have avoided me. None of it would have happened.”

“Nah. You were pretty irresistible. Super kissable.”

“ _Were_?” Philip asks, teasing. The two turn their heads to look at each other, grinning.

Lukas’ eyes scan Philip’s face, and he shakes his head lightly.

“Still are.”

This is dangerous. Teetering on the edge like this. It’s far too much like it was back then, when things were different.

Laying beside him like this makes Philip think of the night they spent together, in the downstairs bedroom of Gabe and Helen’s house. When all they did was lay there. Philip curled up against Lukas’ side, lips pressed to his bare shoulder. He woke up throughout the night to make sure Lukas was still there, and every single time he was.

It makes him think of the motel. Lukas’ fingers trailing down his skin. His lips brushing Philip’s waist. Of Philip’s hands running down Lukas’ chest, of bending down to kiss him, catching Lukas’ lip between his teeth.

“You always did suck at flirting.” Says Philip, turning his attention back to the sky.

“I’m an amazing flirter.”

“Oh, yeah? Wooing lots of boys these days?” Philip asks, hoping Lukas can’t hear the change in his voice.

“Jealous?”

“You want me to be.” Philip says, triggering a memory of the two of them standing behind Lukas’ house, smacking a car with a baseball bat, laughing.

“Got your own boyfriend back in the city, huh?” Lukas asks; He tries to hide it, but Philip notices the shift in his tone. He’s trying to keep it light, but there’s something else there. Something painful, and a little bit hopeful.

“Nobody important.”

“Damn. Does he know that?”

“Funny.”

Philip can see Lukas grinning from his peripheral.

“Really, though. Are you happy there?” Lukas asks. It’s such an un-Lukas-like thing to say in that the old Lukas never would have voiced the question out loud. He’d have thought it, and might even have almost said it, but he wouldn’t have been able to get it out.

But this Lukas, the one beside him, isn’t quite the old one. He still has his smile, and his sense of humor, and he still has the same slouch, but there’s more confidence. He’s more sure of himself.

“Yeah. I am.” Philip says.

Lukas lets out a long breath, and Philip can hear the relief in it. Like he’s been waiting to ask that question for a long time.

“What about you? Are you happy? You got everything you wanted.” Philip says.

“Not everything.” Lukas says. He quickly clears his throat, and keeps going.

“I mean, yeah. This is what I wanted since I was a kid.”

Philip smiles, a warm feeling in his chest. It’s one of the purest forms of happiness. Not happiness at one’s own achievements, but at someone else’s. Happiness that stems from loving someone and watching them thrive.

Philip knew Lukas would make it. But to see it, to see the Lukas that gets to live his dream, is everything.

“How are things with your dad?” He asks.

“You remember how it was at first. But he doesn’t really care anymore. It’s not like I have a boyfriend to wave in his face.”

“You mean to tell me you don’t have boys throwing themselves at you?”

“Oh, they’re totally throwing themselves at me. I’m just not catching them.”

Philip sucks in a breath, grinning.

“That’s cold, Lukas. Really cold.”

“It’s life in the spotlight, Philip. You wouldn’t understand.” Lukas says. Philip laughs, and sits up.

“I guess I wouldn’t.”

They’re both a little too tipsy, and there’s just a little too much history between them. The two things combined make conversations they’ll both likely regret in the morning. A conversation that pries a bit too much. 

But alcohol has always loosened both of their lips. The years haven’t changed that.

“Has there been anyone else? Like, since I left.” Philip says, words tumbling out of his mouth.

Lukas folds his hands over his stomach for a moment, and sits up. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, tapping the water with the toe of his shoe.

“Nah. There was a boy about a year ago, but he wasn’t…” He says. 

 _Wasn’t like you_ , Lukas wants to say. Philip doesn’t know how he knows that, but he does, and it makes his chest ache.

“Yeah. Me too. More than one, though.”

“Such a ladies man. Er-man’s man. Man’s man?” Lukas asks, giving Philip a goofy smile. Philip laughs, shaking his head.

“You’re drunk.”

“Shut up.”

“What are you, 12?”

“And a half.” Lukas says pointedly. After a moment of silence, the two laugh; it breaks open the sky, the two of them laughing together.

And once again, Philip wishes it was like it used to be.

But he walked out a long time ago, and Lukas let him. There is far too much distance left between them. They’re headed in different directions, and they always have been. They’ll only get farther apart.

But this, they’ll always have. This night, and the nights from a long time ago, like in the motel, and in that bottom bedroom at Gabe and Helen's, and even the cabin. Not all their memories are good, but they're theirs. They'll always be theirs. 

That has to be enough.


	4. brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth

Philip has never been to a motocross tournament. Back when he was in Tivoli, Lukas was mainly training. On the off chance there was a tournament he was competing in, it was often out of town, too far for Philip to go.

This is the first time he’s going to see Lukas in action. Not just jumping the lake and spinning his tires out on the dirt path’s he’s worn into the fields.

He’s competing.

Philip can’t help but be nervous for him. He knows Lukas is good; he wins nearly every competition he’s in. He’s fast, and he’s slick, and he jumps his bike in a way many others only dream of.

He wasn’t going to go, originally. Helen and Gabe were taking Jean, but Philip was planning on opting out. It seemed weird for him to go. An ex boyfriend showing up at a competition.

Then Lukas texted him, and asked if he was coming. Philip thought he meant to take photographs, but when he asked, Lukas replied with: _no. to come watch your favorite rider._

And it was decided.

Now, he’s walking the dirt path with Helen and Gabe, holding Jubilee’s leash, keeping her from lunging at the many food venders. Jean scans the booths; she is the deciding vote on where they’re going to eat. Helen voted Tacos, Gabe voted Chili, and Philip voted hot dogs.

Jean stops, hands on her hips, looking between the Taco stand and the Hot Dogs. She looks over at Philip, a smile tugging on her lips.

“Hot dogs.” She says. Philip grins, and Helen lets out a groan.

“You’re playing favorites.” Helen says. Jean laughs, and ducks down in front of Philip, hands moving to rub Jubilee’s ears.

“Philip doesn’t cut me off after I eat 4 cookies.” She says, standing up, brows arching.

“You’re ridiculous.” Helen says.

“So, hot dogs?” Jean asks. Helen rolls her eyes, and Gabe fishes his wallet out of his pocket, handing Jean $20. She comes back a moment later with 5 hot dogs. Gabe gives her a look, and she smiles innocently, handing Philip two hot dogs, and ducking down to give the remaining one to Jubilee, who eats it happily. She stands back up, takes her hot dog, and takes a bite.

“Y’all ready?” She asks, mouth stained with ketchup and mustard. Helen and Gabe give each other a look, an amused look on both their faces.

“The race starts in 10 minutes!” She says, practically bouncing on her heels.

“Why is she so excited?” Philip asks, watching as she turns and darts further into the crowd, in the direction of the track.

“We’re pretty sure it’s a girl.” Helen says. Gabe shakes his head, as if exhausted. Picturing a love struck Jean around all the time, he can see why.

“The two have been sneaking around all year.” Gabe says.

“Reminds us of some other kids, a while back.” Helen says. Philip’s lips curl up in a grin, and he looks down at Jubilee, who is anxiously whining in the direction Jean went.

“Don’t tell Jubilee. I think she’s jealous.” Helen says, a smirk on her lips. She tugs Gabe towards the track, and Philip follows, Jubilee sticking close to his side.

They find Jean standing on the railing, talking to a short korean girl with dark hair pulled back in two braids, smiling at her. The girl’s eyes flick to Gabe and Helen, and she nods in their direction. Jean looks back, her smile widening. She hops off the railing, and waits for them to reach her before speaking.

“It’s Grace’s first competition.” She says, excitement pouring out of her. Grace smiles at her, eyes pinned on Jean. It makes Philip’s stomach twist, just for a moment.

He knows that look. It’s rare, a person usually only having it once, with one person.

It’s first love, and it’s raw and painful and better than anything you could imagine beforehand.

“You nervous?” Gabe asks. Grace tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, the other hand tugging down on the colorful jacket she wears, adorning the logos of tons of companies.

“Little bit.” She says.

“She’s going to do awesome.” Jean says, looking back at Grace.

“You seen Lukas yet?” Grace asks, obviously eager to move the subject of the conversation off of herself.

“Not yet. Came to see you first.”

“So sweet.” Grace says, an amused smile on her face. Jean climbs back up on the railing, reaching out and tugging on one of Grace’s braids. Grace comes closer, and stretches up on her toes. Jean presses a kiss to her forehead, before dropping back onto the dirt.

“Good luck.” Jean says. Grace smiles, biting down on her bottom lip, and nods.

“Ill try.” She says. Then she grabs the helmet from beside her feet and starts walking toward the starting line, where a bunch of bikes are being pulled in, their riders beside them.

Philip finds Lukas immediately. He’d recognize that lanky tall figure anywhere.

Lukas’ hair is messy, even though he hasn’t yet put the helmet on, and he wears a neon green jacket, his sponsors’ logos make up most of the fabric.

Grace walks her bike up to him, and says something that makes him look in their direction. His eyes find Philip’s, and his face spreads in a wide grin. He lifts his hand and waves, and for a moment, Philip thinks he’s waving at someone else.

Philip waves back tentatively, and Lukas’ grin widens.

The announcers come over the PA, and Lukas looks away, grabbing his helmet. He tugs his helmet over his head, and gives Grace a thumbs up. She nods curtly at him, and puts her own helmet on. The two climb onto their bikes, and then they wait.

When the gun is fired, signifying the beginning, they take off. The sound of engines fill the air, followed by cheers.

The course is huge. There’s jumps and hills and little streams to be avoided.

Philip remembers Lukas talking about how great it was so ride here. It’s like the terrain was designed for it, he’d say. Philip would snort, and tease him. But he secretly liked it; the dorky grin on Lukas’ face when he got called out on his bullshit was always worth it.

Philip tears himself away from that train of thought, and looks for Lukas.

The four of them cheer, both for Grace, and for Lukas, watching as the riders make their way through the course, the revving of the engines sometimes louder than the screams.

* * *

 

“Do not eat that.” Grace says, giving Lukas a disgusted look, watching as he dumps ketchup onto his omelette.

The four of them-Lukas, Philip, Grace, and Jean-are sitting at the counter in the diner, celebrating Lukas’ first place win and Grace’s second place. Helen and Gabe were invited, but the two took advantage of having an empty house-empty save for Jubilee, of course-and headed home.

“Why not?” Lukas asks, a huge bite of omelette on his fork.

“Why not? There’s more ketchup than food on that plate.” Grace says.

“She’s right.” Jean says, her light brows arching as she surveys Lukas’ plate.

“You’re just agreeing with her because you think she’s cute.” Lukas says.

“And Philip is only keeping his mouth shut because he thinks you are.” Jean counters. Philip chokes on his burger, and sets it down, narrowing his eyes at Jean.

“Says the girl who talks in her sleep. Oh, Grace. Oh, Grace!” Philip says, in a high voice. Lukas and Grace laugh, while Jean crinkles her nose.

“I don’t talk like that.”

“How would you know? You’re asleep.” Luke says, backing Philip up without hesitation.

“I’m so glad I wasn’t here when you two were a thing. You must have been so annoying.” Grace says, rolling her eyes. Both Lukas and Philip blush, but Philip is better at hiding it.

“Why not? Triple homicide doesn’t sound fun to you?” Philip asks, half kidding, half not. Jean looks away, and Philip already knows what she’s thinking about.

Philip still has nightmares. They’re few and far between now, but they’re just as visceral and terrifying as they were three years ago.

Two nights ago, when Philip woke up screaming, it was Jean who came into his room and climbed into bed with him. She held him as he shook, like they’d known each other all their lives; she treated him the way Philip imagines a sister would.

“Jesus. I thought Jean was kidding.” Grace says, taking a bite of a french fry.

“No. She wasn’t kidding.” Lukas says. Philip presses his lips together, and averts his gaze.

Three years have passed since it all ended; since Philip’s mom died. But to this day, he still expects Ryan Kane to waltz through the door, and shove him back into that trunk.

Sometimes, he expects it to be his mom. Though the probability of either of them walking in is impossible, he still wishes she could. He always wishes she could.

“I’m getting dessert. Y’all want anything?” Jean announces, carefully steering away from the rocky shore, pulling them back to the present. They nod their heads gratefully, and look at the menus, so they don’t have to look at each other.

It seems they always come back to this. Philip doesn’t know if that’ll ever stop.

He sneaks a look at Lukas as he scans the menu, his stomach rolling. A piece of hair falls over his face, hiding his right eye from Philip’s view. Philip resists the urge to reach out and tuck it away.

He gave up that right three years ago, and he doesn’t know if he can get it back. He doesn’t know if he should.

He and Lukas were always bullet trains roaring towards each other straight on. But maybe they weren’t destined to collide.

Maybe they weren’t destined to fall.


	5. wish I was there with you now

After the night of the tournament, the two pick up where they left off. There is no kissing or hand holding or shared smiles-not the the kind they used to have, ones stocked full of wanting-but they spend the days that Lukas isn’t competing together. They go to the lake with Jean and Grace, they go by themselves. They ride into town to check out flea markets, and resist the urge to buy the other something.

There is a boulder between them, but neither talks about it. They don’t even look at it.

At least, not at first.

* * *

 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Lukas.” Helen says one day over breakfast, trying not to use her cop voice, and failing. Philip swallows, lips pressed together.

“Yeah. I guess.”

Helen and Gabe exchange a look, and are about to say something when Jean cuts in.

“Can we be excused?” Jean asks, standing up. The two exchange another look, this one amused, and Gabe says, “As long as you load your dishes.”

Jean pops up, her hair springing with her, and grabs Philip’s plate, stacking it on hers and rushing to the sink.

Jean is a never-stopping, never-slowing beast. She bounces and shakes and doesn’t still. At times, it can be tiring. But Philip can see that it’s the reason Gabe and Helen love when she cleans; when she starts, she doesn’t stop.

Once she’s done with the dishes, she grabs Philip by the arm and hauls him toward the door, looping an arm through his. Philip has no choice but to let her.

She tugs him out to the porch, and drops down in one of the rocking chairs, Philip sitting against the railing of the porch, back against the wood, knees drawn to his chest.

“You’re still in love with him.”

“Jean-“

“And he’s still in love with you.” She continues.

Philip winces; he doesn’t like to think about that. He does his best to ignore the fluttering of his stomach and the tightening of his chest when he sees Lukas He does his best to ignore it, because he knows what it means, of course he knows what it means, and he wants nothing more than for it to go away.

“It ended a long time ago, Jean.” Philip says.

“Oh? Because you two look at each other like the sun shines out of each other’s ass.” She says.

It’s almost impossible to lie to Jean. Not because she can pull the truth out of you, but because she knows the answer better than you do, and when faced with the brute honesty of it, there’s no way to scuttle around it.

“If you love someone that much, you should fight to be with them.” Jean says.

“Love isn’t always enough.”

“That’s a choice, Philip. You choose to fight, you choose to not give up. Don’t blamethe universe for your problem.” Jean says, shaking her head. Jubilee nudges her way outside, and comes over to Jean, climbing up into her laugh, though she’s far too big. Jean smiles, wrapping her arms around the giant dog, leaning against her.

“Sometimes, I swear you’re 80 years old.” Philip muses. Jean grins, tucking her hair behind her ears, shoving Jubilee’s snout away from her face.

“I’m just really smart.”

“And cocky.”

“And beautiful.” Jean says. Philip laughs, and the conversation steers away from the things Philip doesn’t want to talk about to Grace, and how Jean met her.

But it doesn’t leave his mind. That thought sits on the edge of his tongue for the rest of the day, the wondering.

Philip doesn’t believe in fate, but he does believe in choice. He never considered that losing Lukas had been a choice.

It hits him suddenly that maybe he made the wrong one.

* * *

 

When the boy presses Lukas against the trailer the bikes are packed into, Lukas lets him. When his fingers dip below Lukas’ shirt, he lets them.

When he asks him if he has a boyfriend, Lukas says _no_. _No, no, no, not anymore, no._

He wishes it were different, he wishes he could say yes, he wishes it was someone else kissing his neck.

But he can’t, so he closes his eyes, and kisses him back.

When he murmurs into his ear, asking him where he lives, Lukas tells him. He leads him back to his house, empty due to his father being out on business, and drags him into the guest bedroom, their shirts off the moment they’re through the door. He runs his fingers down the boy’s bare chest, and the two fall back onto the bed, no longer two people, but one.

The whole time, it is someoneelse’s name on the edge of his lips. It is someone else’s hands he pretends are running up his skin, tracing the freckles along his hips. It is someone else he wakes up next to, someone else who he allows to kiss him again, again, again before he finally gets up and leaves.

Only when he’s gone does Lukas realize he left his jacket, the one with his name stitched across the back. He doesn’t even look at the name before he heads out to the living room, tossing the jacket onto the couch. He’ll give it back to the boy at the next competition, in a few days. For now, he doesn’t want to think any further about him.

Tugging on a pair of sweats, he moves into the kitchen, popping waffles into the toaster. He leans against the counter, arms crossed against his chest, the night replaying behind his eyes.

It isn’t the first time he’s slept with someone other than Philip. It’s been three years of competitions and traveling and winning. There have been tons of boys. Some other competitors, some fans, and some completely random.

But this is the first one since he talked to Philip again. Since he’s seen Philip again. Since he’s spent time with him.

Back when they first split, he often drafted messages to Philip. When the nightmares woke him screaming, he would hold his finger over the call button, telling himself to call and telling himself not to call. When the memories took their hold over him and he gripped the arms of chairs, head tipped back, he wanted to call. He wanted to call, and ask Philip to come back. He wanted to tell him he missed him, and he wanted him, and he needed him.

Lukas flinches when the waffles pop, and he pulls them out, grabbing one and setting the others on the counter in front of him. He bites into one, not even caring enough to pull out butter and syrup.

The doorbell rings, and he lets out a groan, setting his waffle down.

It must be the the boy, coming back for his jacket. Lukas doesn’t want to deal with him, so he grabs the jacket, holding it over his arm. He opens the door, eyes initially on the jacket in his hands.

“You forgot your jacket-“ He says, lifting his eyes to the person standing on the porch.

It isn’t the boy. It’s Philip.

Lukas’ stomach drops, and he watches as Philip’s gaze drops to the jacket, watches as the realization dawns in his eyes.

Philip presses his lips together, wall slamming up behind his eyes.

“Philip. Hey.” Lukas says, face hot.

Philip doesn’t say anything, gaze still locked on the jacket.

Lukas doesn’t know what to say.

_There was a boy, and I let him kiss me, but it wasn’t the way you did, it’s never the way you did. I wanted him to be you and I pretended he was you._

_Please, don’t hate me. Don’t hate me._

The words fall before they hit his lips, and Lukas stands awkwardly in the door. Philip’s eyes flick around his face, and for a moment, everything is still.

Then the world slams back into action, and Lukas is tossing the jacket onto the couch and Philip is reaching for him, and their lips are smashing together, and Lukas can’t breathe, because he’s here and and he’s kissing him and everything is back to the way it should be, but it’s different, and it’s not, and everything is coming together and falling apart.

Lukas tugs him inside, kicking the door shut, slamming Philip into it. Philip tugs Lukas’ shirt up and over his head, ducking to kiss the scar on his chest, the memory of the the gunshot flickering for a moment in his head.

Lukas drags Philip back up to his mouth, and it’s frantic and chaotic and nothing like their old kisses.

It’s angry and dripping with longing and it hurts. Like they’re each other’s drug and they’ve been sober for years.

Philip’s lips on Lukas’ neck say he’s sorry for breaking things, and Lukas’ hands on his waist tell him he’s sorry for letting him walk away, and they’re screaming with the only words they have.

Then Lukas is pulling him back toward the stairs, kicking clothes off as they climb and end up in Lukas’ bedroom.

Then Lukas is pinning Philip beneath him, and the final clothes are shed, and they dance the routine neither has forgotten, tracing the lines of each other’s body, like no time has passed, like the world isn’t different, like the two of them aren’t different.


	6. the words I never got to say the first time around

For the first time in his life, Philip wakes up beside Lukas. There was no sneaking out in the middle of the night, being careful not to get caught. After the night prior, the two fell asleep curled against each other, blankets pulled half-hazardly over them.

The first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is the curve of Lukas’ shoulder, turned away from him, back pressed to his side. One of his arms is slung over Lukas’ waist, the other tingling where it’s pressed beneath his torso. He shifts his weight, pulling his arm out, and accidentally wakes Lukas in the process. Lukas makes a small noise, and rolls to face Philip, eyes opening slowly.

His lips pull up into a soft smile when he sees Philip, and he yawns, tugging the blankets further around himself.

“You’re here.” Lukas says.

“I’m here.”

“You didn’t leave again.” The _again_ strikes Philip like a slap. Lukas notices the flinch, and frowns, closing his eyes. For a long time, he doesn’t speak or open his eyes; so long Philip was starting to believe he’d fallen back asleep.

“Do you ever think about it? What our lives would be like if we hadn’t walked away?”

“I walked away. That wasn’t your fault.”

“I didn’t stop you.”

Philip doesn’t tell him he’s wrong, because he isn’t. If Lukas had grabbed him by the arm and asked him to stay, he would have. Of course, he would have.

“I don’t like to think about it.” Philip says after a moment.

“Me neither.” Lukas says.

Lukas hesitates; when he speaks again, his voice wavers, “I called you. On the first anniversary of the cabin. And you didn’t answer.”

Shame colors Philip’s cheeks, and he looks away, eyes on the ceiling.

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m always sorry._

“I couldn’t. It was so-.” He stops. He doesn’t have an excuse, so he doesn’t make one.

Lukas closes his eyes.

“You deserve better. You always have.”

“I didn’t want better. I wanted you.” Lukas says. Philip’s stomach twists, and he lets out a sigh. He doesn’t know if his saying sorry is enough, even though he means it.

He pulls himself away from Lukas, and swings his feet over the bed, tugging on a pair of sweats and his t shirt.

“Want breakfast?” He asks, looking back at Lukas. Lukas nods, and tosses an arm over his head, hiding his face.

Philip pads quietly down the stairs, though the house is empty and he has no need to be quiet, and is about to go into the kitchen when he sees the back door, showcasing the old barn and the old blue car sitting up on the hill.

Before he can stop himself, he’s pushing through the door, barefoot. He passes by the coup on the way there, and smiles at the turkeys that cluck at him as he passes. He remembers Helen mentioning the turkeys Lukas started raising a year or so ago. He’s pretty sure one of their names is Lester.

He stops when he gets to the car, staring at the faded blue metal, the dented top that he and Lukas caused.

He looks at the tree, the one they sat beneath. The one where Lukas chose Philip. The one where Philip forgave him.

He sees the old couch pushed against the car, the car that Lukas pulled Philip down on.

He remembers sitting in the police station, Lukas on the floor, saying, “I’m not supposed to like you this way.”

All the memories he’s tried to push away over the past three years are coming back and hitting him like a truck.

“What are you doing?”

Philip jumps, and turns to find Lukas, wearing sweats and a hoodie, feet shoved into sneakers, hands in his pockets, brows furrowed. Philip’s lips part, and he shakes his head.

“You shouldn’t have let me go.” Philip says. Lukas’ face contorts, and he shakes his head.

“You walked away, Philip. You don’t get to blame that on me.”

“You should have tried!”

“You shouldn’t have left in the first place!”

“I had to!”

“Why? Why, Philip? Why did you have to fuck everything up?”

“It wasn’t just me. Don’t you remember? We were toxic to each other.”

“We loved each other.” Lukas says, anger and hurt flaring in his eyes. It’s the first time either has said it out loud, in that way.

_We were in love, we loved each other. Loved, past tense._

“I looked at you, and I saw-I saw _her_ dying, and those men dying, and I aw Kane standing over me, and it was all just so much. When I looked at you, I saw the end of the world.” Philip says.

“Being without you was easier than being with you.” He says, voice low.

“You left me all alone. After what happened, you left me all alone. I didn’t sleep for months. Every time I closed my eyes I could feel the gunshot again, and when I needed you to be there, you weren’t. Because you were gone.”

Philip closes his eyes, shaking his head.

He knows that he fucked up, and he knows that leaving hurt Lukas, but at the time, being with him hurt the most. He loved him, he loved him so much it scared him.

People have always left Philip. How could he expect Lukas to stay? How could he expect anyone to want to?

He shattered the glass before Lukas could.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

“You don’t get to be sorry now! You fucked it up. You walked away. Not me.” Lukas says, voice breaking. He averts his eyes, but not before Philip sees the tears welling in his eyes.

His chest heaves, and he feels like he’s going to be sick.

“You should go.” Lukas says, voice hard, not letting one trace of emotion filter into his words. He keeps his eyes on the ground, and Philip takes a step forward, and then another, and another until he passes Lukas.

“I saw the turkeys.” He says.

He knows that Lukas understands what that means. It means he remembers trying to save them, and he remembers why they tried to save them. It means he remembers everything.

It’s all Philip has now. The memory.

Lukas doesn’t reply, his back still turned to Philip.

For the second time, Philip walks away. And for the second time, Lukas lets him.


	7. i know that love is pain, but we can't cut it from these veins

The rest of the summer passes quickly, the tournament finishing, Jean getting ready to go back to school, Philip getting ready to head back to the city. On his last night, they all sit on the porch together, the dog laying below Philip’s feet. The three of them, Jean being the exception, are sipping on beer, letting it warm their bones and turn things a little bit fuzzy.

By the third or fourth one, Jean has worn both Helen and Gabe down, and when she ducks into the house and comes back with her own bottle, neither of them says anything.

They talk for hours, about anything and everything. About how Jean wants to become a vet like Gabe when she graduates. About how Helen met up with Kamilah and the baby-not a baby anymore-a few weeks ago, and how Jake looked just like Sita. About everything, really.

Sitting on the porch with them brings on a feeling Philip has never had. Home was always that crappy little apartment in the city with his mother, but it never felt like this. He was never at ease, never content. Not like this.

When midnight strikes the clock, Helen and Gabe crash, leaving Jean and Philip out on the porch by themselves. They take the remainder of the alcohol and move into the grass, laying on their backs, looking up at the stars.

“You really wanna be a vet?” Philip asks. Jean nods her head, letting out a sigh.

“I’m gonna stay in Tivoli. Get my own property. Somewhere around here. Get a bunch of dogs.”

“And Grace?”

“Maybe she’s still around. And kills all the spiders in the house.”

Philip smiles.

“You think she’s gonna be around for a while?”

“She’s the only one who’ll put up with me. Only one I want to put up with me.” Jean says, smiling.

There’s something aged in her expression, and all of a sudden, she’s years older. This is the Jean that doesn’t often get portrayed. The Jean who has been tossed around foster homes, who never had a true home, who’s parents abandoned her. It is the serious Jean that she doesn’t want to be, but is at times. Her past drags behind her, and she has to look back at it occasionally to make sure it doesn’t fall into someone else’s hands.

“You’re actually pretty awesome.”

“Liar.”

Philip makes a face.

“I’m not lying.”

“Whatever, Philip.” Jean says, a smile settling back on her lips.

“You’re drunk, Jean.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Am not.”

“You can’t hold your alcohol. That’s what Grace said.”

“How would Grace know that?”

Jean crinkles her nose, and shrugs nonchalantly.

“Lukas may have mentioned it.”

“Jean.”

“Okay, so Grace may have done some questioning about you. For me.”

“Jean…”

“You guys haven’t talked in weeks. Since you were mysteriously out all night.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Liar.” Jean says pointedly. Philip sighs, and tips his head back against the wooden frame of the chair.

“If you love someone that much, you should be with them.”

“Me and Lukas were done a long time ago.”

“For someone so smart, you’re stupid.” Jean says, pulling another bottle out of the back, flicking the lid off and taking a long swig. She passes it over, and Philip matches her sip, the liquid burning dry on its way down.

“Since when do you know anything about relationships?” Philip says suddenly, words coming out harsher than he means. Jean goes still, brows furrowing. She sets the bottle down, and for a minute, stays where she is, eyes on the wood. Then she stands up, and walks toward the door, only stopping before she steps through it.

“You’re the one that pushed him away, Philip. I don’t have to know shit to get that.” She says bitterly. Then she goes inside, leaving Philip alone in the dark.

* * *

 

It isn’t the intensity of the dream that wakes him, but a pair of slender hands, shaking his shoulders. He lurches to a sitting position, gasping for breath.

For a moment, he thinks it’s Lukas sitting on the edge of the bed. But then he sees the fair hair, the freckles. Helen.

He pulls back, running a hand over his face, eyes clamped shut.

“Sorry. Was I screaming?”

Helen nods.

“Gabe sleeps like the dead. And Jean has nightmares sometimes. She only wakes up to her own screams.” Helen says, attempting at a joke. It’s far too late for it to work, and it falls short between them.

“Was it the cabin?” Helen asks. Philip shakes his head, brows pulling together.

“Lukas.”

“That’s an old one.” Helen says.

She remembers the time before Philip left for school, the nights she found him clutching a pillow to his chest and whispering Lukas’ name, trying to convince himself Lukas was still alive.

He hasn’t had a dream about Lukas, at least not one like that, in more than a year. He doesn’t want to think about why it’s coming back.

“You alright?” Helen asks. She doesn’t ask if Philip wants to talk about it. Helen has her own demons; she knows it’s best to keep them tucked beneath the bed. But she offers the support she knows how to give, the support she herself wants. It’s a coping method that the two have with each other, both having their own set of memories. They’re comfortable together in their broken pieces.

Philip felt the same with Lukas. Going through something of that magnitude, similar to Helen’s experiences as a city cop, changes a person. And sometimes, being around someone who understands is the only way to make it better.

So he nods, because he can’t quite say yes, because it would be a lie, but he isn’t quite ‘not okay’ either. He’s just in the middle.

He misses Lukas and wants to text him and make sure he’s okay. He misses his mother, and wishes he could just talk to her one more time. He wants to apologize to Jean for snapping at her.

He doesn’t do any of those things. Instead, Helen reaches out, brushing the stray hairs off his forehead.

“Want me to keep the nightmares away?” Helen asks. Philip’s heart swells, and he nods.

Philip scoots over in the bed, and Helen stretches out beside him on her back.

It’s a game she played for him in the beginning. She’d lay on the end of his bed, and promise to fight the nightmares that threatened to enter the bed. Somehow, it worked.

Laying here, he’s again reminded of how much it feels like home. How much this place will always feel like home.

* * *

 

Getting back to school is odd. Instead of spending the day with Jean and Helen and Gabe, he’s meeting up with friends, and studying.

He’s just gotten off the phone with Helen and Gabe, and while it’s only been a few weeks, he already misses them like crazy. He misses Jean, too. Jean and Jubilee and Tivoli. He never imagined himself as a country type person, but, while he loves the city, he now pictures himself settling down there. Having dinner with Gabe and Helen once a week, things like that.

“I’m crashing. Cool to shut the lights out?” Philip’s roommate asks, meandering out from the bathroom. Philip nods, and reaches over, flicking off his own lightswitch.

“Yeah. I have to make a store run. I’ll be quiet when I get back.”

His roommate practically tumbles into bed; he’s an engineering major, and spends most of his time doing homework. Philip doesn’t blame him for being so tired.

He quietly slips out of the room, heading down the silent hall and out onto the campus. There’s only one shop that stays open past midnight; Philip goes straight there.

“Hey Ella.” Philip says, smiling at the girl who sits behind the counter. She smiles back, and he turns into the aisle, searching for the ibuprofen. A moment later a dark blur runs into his leg, it’s tongue stretching up to lick his hand.

Philip kneels down, and rubs Hannah’s dark head. Hannah is an old lab that Ella brings with her to work after class; in exchange for her working the weird hours, she’s able to set up a room for Hannah in the back. Ella is the only person Philip has heard of who managed to get their dog with them to college.

He drops a kiss to the dog’s head, and keeps moving down the aisles, Hannah following him.

“Whatcha lookin’ for?” Ella asks.

“Motrin. I have a killer headache.”

“Next aisle.”

“Thanks.”

“You know, someone came in asking about you earlier.” She says. Philip’s brows furrow, and he waits until he’s brought the box of pills to the register before asking.

“What? Who was it?”

“Don’t know. They don’t go to school here.”

“What did he want?”

“Your dorm.”

Philip frowns, and Ella lets out a bubbly laugh.

“I figured it was another boy who brought you home and you never called them back.”

“That happened two times, Ella.”

Ella shrugs innocently, and pulls the box of pills over to the scanner.

“Did he leave a name?”

“No. But he was cute.”

“Cute how?”

“Blonde. Tall. Dreamy eyes.”

Philip gives her a look, to which she laughs.

“What? They were.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“Well, I hope your mystery man finds you.”

Philip snorts, and takes the pills, stuffing them into his pocket.

“Thanks, Ella. And thanks to you, too, Hannah.” Hannah’s tongue lolls out of her mouth, which is as much a thank you as he’s going to get from a dog.

“Bye, Philip.” Ella says as he walks back out into the night.

He rifles through all the blonde’s he’s followed home from bars, the ones he met at coffee shops, the ones he slept with because they looked just a little bit like another blonde boy Philip used to know.

He can’t figure out why any one of them would come looking for him.

He doesn’t even allow himself to consider the possibility that Lukas came to find him. He walked away from them, twice. Lukas wouldn’t come after him. His pride is too great.

When he reaches his room, he slips inside and finds an irritated roommate laying on the floor, an open textbook on his belly.

“What’s wrong?” Philip asks.

“Sleep doesn’t like me.” He says. Philip smiles, and kicks off his shoes, climbing into bed.

“Good luck with that.” He says, before pulling his phone out and unlocking it.

The only message he has is one from Grace, who he wasn’t aware even had his number.

_Grace: You should come to the championships. They’re right outside the city._

“Also, somebody slipped this under the door. When I opened the door to be like _what the hell dude_ and to ask who he was he was like _nothing. nobody._ It was super weird.”

All of a sudden, the pieces click together.

Lukas. Lukas was here, looking for him. Lukas, who should hate him, who should never want to talk to him again.

He grabs the flyer; it’s advertising the big race tomorrow.

_Lukas._

He doesn’t know why Lukas is giving him another chance.

But he is. And Philip will be damned if he doesn’t use it.


	8. it's to you I will always, always return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who loved this fic and read it and gave it kudos and shared it with your friends. it got a lot more love than i thought it would, and i truly appreciate it. thanks for sticking with it.

Getting to the tournament isn’t as easy as Philip hoped it would be. It takes him so long to drive to the venue that he starts to doubt that Lukas came to find him on campus at all. Maybe he imagined it, and he's chasing after someone who doesn't want him. 

All the possible endings to the day play in his head on a never ending loop.

Maybe Lukas didn’t come to the school. Maybe he hates him. Maybe when he sees him, he’ll scream something horrible at him.

Philip has no idea what he’s walking into. And that terrifies him.

* * *

 

The first person he finds when he reaches the venue is Grace. She’s standing in line for a hot dog, arms crossed against her chest.

“Grace.” Philip says, grateful to see a friendly face. She turns to face him, and her eyes go wide, a big smile tugging on her lips.

“I knew you’d come.” She says. Philip averts his gaze, licking his lips, then looking back at Grace.

“Where can I find him?”

“His race starts in ten minutes. You won’t be able to catch him before. But I can show you where his trailer is. He’ll be back to it after awards, in like an hour.”

Nervousness rolls into Philip, unfolding inside him. Grace must be able to tell, because she gives him a lopsided smile.

“You’ll be fine, dude.”She says.

“I fucked things up, Grace. I really fucked them up.”

“Didn’t Lukas tell his dad that you made him buy drugs?” She asks, arching a dark brow. Philip’s brows pull together.

“Yeah.”

“So, you aren’t the only one who fucked things up.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Just go find his trailer.” Grace says. She takes her hot dogs and heads in the other direction toward the track. And Philip turns the other way. Towards Lukas, hopefully.

* * *

 

He paces outside the trailer after the race ends, and Lukas comes in 2nd. He knows it’ll likely be a while before Lukas gets back, and it’s getting late, and Lukas might not even talk to him. He probably regrets coming to find Philip. Maybe he didn’t come at all, and Philip is losing his mind, and he’s about to make a fool out of himself.

He’s nearly talked himself out of waiting for Lukas when Bo Waldenbeck walks up. Rather than frowning, or pursing his lips, he gives him a small smile.

“It’s been a long time.” He says, reaching out a hand. Philip takes it, about to shake it, when Bo pulls him into a quick hug. Philip is shocked; it isn’t that Bo hated him. But he was definitely never a big fan.

Philip came in and Lukas’ life fell apart. That’s what Bo sees-or, he guesses, saw-him as.

He pulls away, and nods toward the trailer.

“I’m heading out, staying in the hotel for the night. Lukas should be back in a few minutes.” Bo says.

Philip knows exactly what he’s saying. He’s saying that he’s leaving so he and Lukas can talk. He’s saying that he wants him to talk to Lukas, in the only way Bo knows how.

“You think he even wants to talk to me?” Philip asks, before he can stop himself. Bo purses his lips, and for a moment, stays silent.

Then he takes a breath, and says, “He’s got his mom’s heart. They don’t let go that easy.”

Then he walks away, and leaves Philip to wait.

* * *

 

When Lukas does finally come back to the trailer, Philip can see that he’s exhausted. He tugs the multicolored jersey off, raking a hand through his messy hair.

Then he lifts his eyes to Philip’s, and stops. For what feels like an eternity, he doesn’t move. When he speaks, all he says is one word, and it’s loaded.

“Philip.” He says.

Philip’s lips part, and for a moment, the words leave him.

“You came to school.” He says. Lukas’ brows furrow slightly, and he averts his gaze.

“It was a mistake. I shouldn’t-I shouldn’t have.”

“Why did you, then?” Philip asks, taking a step toward him. Lukas’ eyes snap back to his, and he shakes his head.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s still something here, Lukas. With us.”

“No, Philip. There’s not.”

He’s lying. Philip knows he’s lying. He came to the Philip’s school for a reason. He might have regretted it immediately, but he came. He came, and tried to find Philip, and left him a flyer.

“I fucked it up again. I know that.”

“Philip-“

“And I’ve tried so hard to just pretend that I don’t care. The thing is, I can’t pretend we never happened because I’m still in love with you.”

“Dont.”

“"You saved my life, Lukas. And not just in the cabin. You saved me in every way you can save someone. I don't know how to let that go. I don't know how to let _you_ go."

“You wanted this, Philip. You. Did you forget?” Lukas asks, jaw clenched.

“I fucked it up. We’ve both done things to fuck it up. But we always come back to each other. That has to mean something.” Philip says. 

“It’s been three years, Philip.” Lukas says. He isn’t angry, like Philip is expecting him to be. He’s tired. Like he’s been awake for an eternity.

“You still love me. I know you do.”

“Philip.” Lukas shakes his head, eyes fluttering shut.

Philip has never been a forceful person. He isn’t the initiator, he isn’t the one to keep going, to keep trying. He was never taught to fight for what he wants, because he always believed he’d never get it.

But he can’t let Lukas walk away. Not after all this time. He can’t let him walk away if there’s the chance he wants to stay.

“It’s you for me. When I’ve had a long day and I’m tired or I’m sad or I miss my mom or I see some stupid dog post, it’s you I want to talk to. And I think it’s me for you, too.” Philip says.

“Tell me it isn’t, and I’ll walk away. I’ll walk away and I’ll try to forget.” He says.

Lukas opens his eyes, and he’s looking at Philip in a way that makes him ache, and suddenly, he has no idea what Lukas is going to say.

Then he’s moving toward him, hands on Philip’s cheeks, and they’re both stumbling back until they hit the metal of the trailer. Lukas’ shift to rest on the sides of Philip’s neck, and his eyes are flicking around Philip’s face, and Philip forgets how to breathe.

“Tell me to walk away.” Philip whispers.

Lukas shakes his head, letting out a breath. For a long time, he doesn't speak. For a long time, Philip isn't sure he's going to.

Then he opens his mouth, and says, "I can't."

 


End file.
